Ever since I was a kid I had this issue of perfectionism that I haven’t been able to shake. I have a vision for how I want things to be and hyper-fixate on it until it’s “perfect”. The problem with this mentality that no one likes to talk about is that it leads to a life where your productivity, relationships, and conversation with the man in the mirror are all fucked.

Kanye has a bar that goes “And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong”. This couldn’t better encapsulate the mind of a perfectionist. Whenever an objectively good thing occurs in my life I find a way to dissect all the hypotheticals as to why it is imperfect. TOXIC to say the least. But this is me and I am who I am. I know i’m not perfect but for me there’s just this constant pursuit of creating something great. This perfectionist mentality is cancerous and manifests in everyone differently. However, for me productivity comes first to mind to have taken the largest hit over the course of my life.

I’m no stud by any means, I’ve been told by my parents that I am lazy. So I’m not here to falsely advertise that I’m some profound workhorse. With that being said though when I’m on a task it’s hard to get my ass into gear and garner any momentum because of the amount of times I scrap something so I can redo it, over and over. A prime example is this blog. Yes it’s raw, yes it’s real. But at points I hit a wall. So what do I do I go back, I reword, I delete, then rinse and repeat. A violent near never ending cycle. The only reason that there is progression is because I settle with the imperfect product and try to move forward. Key word settle. Why? Because in my head there’s always more. But that’s the thing the storm calms for a second and I’m able to cope with the idea of imperfection only not long after to head back to the violent war path of destruction and creation.

Relationships are another weird one for me. The first things that comes to mind are my relationships with my parents and romantic partners. I want to preface by saying that I have the best parents in the world by most metrics. However, I constantly find myself in a cycle where I expect more from them. I know that my parents work hard, they are supportive of every and anything I do as long as it is not degenerate, and they challenge me to be better as a man. What more could I ask for? However, in my head (in an unfair fashion) I expect them to have composure of a god. I want them to be happy 24/7, I want them to give me the things I want right when I ask for them, and above all else, I want them to act in my image that I deem acceptable. These expectations that I have for them are unrealistic to say the least, but what I have discovered is by putting these expectations on to them like this I undermine their personal autonomy to just be normal humans who are inherently imperfect.

The same goes for my romantic relationships. I am hypercritical of them and conjure up reasons as to why they are not worthy candidates to be with a “God like myself”. I say that ironically, but there’s a deeper rooted issue in myself and duality at play that I will unpack at length in another post. Ultimately with my perfectionist mentality it results in me creating an idealized version of what a woman should be while undermining the reality of women and their personal autonomy. Notice a pattern??? To keep it so real this has been hard because I am not a sociopath, I have some semblance of empathy, and when I project said expectations of perfection onto my partners under the guise of intentional dating it leaves them feeling as though they’re not enough. No one should feel as though they’re inferior and not good enough, it makes me sick that I am this perpetrator. Let me pick your brain with a question here. If you have a character flaw and you are self aware of it and working towards fixing it are you a villain or a hero? Comment below.

Lastly, I’ll keep it short and sweet for this one, even though it’s arguably the most complex. The conversations you have with yourself as a perfectionist are violent and dark. There’s a constant duality at play: the drive to lock in and become the hyper-optimal version of yourself versus the voice that says you’re a piece of garbage who isn’t shit. It’s a never ending battle because when you become this hyper-optimal version that you’ve always strived for, the voice of you aren’t shit kicks in knocking you down 10 pegs. To say the least this causes low self esteem, a horrible internal dialogue, and partial anxieties and depression. Now mind you this isn’t a sob story woe is me sad boy Devon post. However, it’s very very real and imagine other perfectionist alike can relate.

How do I cope?

Coping with this debilitating mentality can be tough at times but over the years I’m starting to develop a strategy…

Set Realistic goals: Whatever you want to accomplish in this lifetime must be broken down into realistic goals. Yes, we perfectionists one might say have delusions of grandeur sometimes; however, it’s imperative that we take a step back and breakdown how we achieve total world domination step by step on a micro scale. It’s really about small wins. It is much easier to perfect a small task over perfecting a large one. So if you hit perfect on multiple small things inevitably it will grow into something large with semblance of perfection.

Embrace imperfection: Yes it is easier said than done but you need to understand that by being imperfect you have more LORE and character to you. It’s more authentic and real. I say this because as we have unpacked perfection is merely an illusion.

Focus on & have fun with the process: Shift your focus from the end result to the process. Enjoying the journey and learning along the way can be more fulfilling than fixating on an ideal outcome.

Seek feedback: Get feedback from others to gain perspective. Often, we are our harshest critics, and outside perspectives can help us see the value in our work that we might overlook.

Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Recognize your efforts and progress, even if the results aren’t perfect. Everybody loves their homies so would you be shitting on your dawgs when they make a mistake? Or would you have some empathy and say it’s not the worst? we all know the answer.

To my fellow perfectionists keep fighting the good fight. And try to find the beauty in the imperfect. To the “normal” person don’t wish for this mentality. This mentality is romanticized but the real know that it isn’t conducive to long-term happiness. Perfectionism is a cancer, and I’d like to end off by saying… Every thing that is regarded as “perfect” went through a rigorous trial of imperfections. Strive to be you unapologetically nothing is perfect outside of god. Sorry to break it to you that’s not us.